Road Trip

 We were discussing taking a road trip.  For us it is a matter if getting in the car and heading out, normally without a real plan - an idea but a plan? 

My brothers and I talked about what it was like to go on a trip growing up and it was when will we get to the destination. Whether Indiana, Ohio, or the Navajo Res, it was getting there.  One time I remember when the adventure was what we did getting there was when distant relatives came for a visit and suggested we go to Yellowstone.  Paul was one who saw a sign and headed down to look at the attraction. 

For us it was “oh let’s stop and look at the 4 corners.” And we stopped and got a picture and hopefully used a restroom (now in the 60s there were a lot of stops that might have a tree or a rock, no comfort room).  Our view of the Grand Canyon was a drive by and a quick stop.  “There, you saw it.”

Road trips for us began when I came back from Thailand and we headed to Vail.  Just an up and let’s go.  For the most of our military time are road trips were going home, get in the car and head out.  One reason was vaca time included weekends.  So if I were taking two weeks, it was 14 days, not 10.  We would find ways to skirt that, but every day had to count.  But Europe opened our eyes to a different type of road trip, day trips that would encompass 5 countries.  (Germany, France, Belgium, Luxemburg, and Netherlands), and the hops to Italy and England.  Not to forget the train to Berlin.

Since then we would arrange our trips around what we called the anniversary/birthday joint operation. Must have some justification for getting in the car or hopping a flight and heading out (and no kids).

I have heard as stated above, getting there is just as much as the adventure as reaching our destination.  The last road trip was exactly that.  What for some would have been a two or three day get there took us 6 days, and some of the detours we had to take because I misheard the GPS really provided to be an experience.  Two lane roads in central Florida allows you to see some wonderful countryside. 

A trip to Santa Fe for the Christmas lights is a great weekend get-away

How do you road trip? 

Gotta share this one - writing your own vows

 https://wanderlustbay.com/write-wedding-vows/

The author of the blog is spot on.  So read it for yourself

Solving world problems or not

 

At the museum and figure 3 old vets have to try to solve the world’s problems.  Then we talk about the museum and what to do to bring people.  Then we were on the topic of marriage.  “Hey, maybe do weddings at the museum.” 

I have been pondering taking on officiating weddings.  I mean within limits of my beliefs but offering up my services.  Well, I have been looking at various ceremonies and when we were wanting to legalizing our relationship we had two options – protestant v catholic.  But I am surprised how many different ceremonies there are based on denominations and not religious unions – “Do you want the Baptist ceremony or the Presbyterian one?” 

Side note: no, I am not ordained by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Church of Dude or Universal Life.  It is Christian legit.

Where was I? I do ask questions of those who desire to wed.  And I have those on a blog. I cranked up my blog this last week.  Last post was in 2016.  Anyway, the questions I do believe are important.  We did not get a good talking to before we were married.  My dad gave me a jar of Vaseline the day of the wedding apologizing he did not have the talk.  And I suppose the books we received as gifts were aids to ensure a successful marriage bed. Nope, the saran wrap thing did not really work. 

Questions to ask yourself and as a couple - premarital

 

These are questions you and your significant other should go over and discuss.  Yes, some you probably have resolved but review, ponder, make note. Be it 10 years or 20 years down the road you will want to bring these how and see where you met and missed the marks.

Ask yourselves:

Why are we getting married?

What do we as a couple want out of life?

Do you think our relationship will change after we are married?

What do you think we'll be doing in 30 or 40 years?

How would you describe yourself?

How do you think I see you?

What do you appreciate most about me and our relationship?

Are we on the same page about having children?

How will you handle our relationships with our families?

How will we resolve future conflicts?

What does spirituality mean to you?

How important is religion to each of us?

How much influence do we want religion to play in our lives and our children’s lives?

What are our core values as individuals and as a couple, and how do we see ourselves upholding them?

How can we handle any conflicts between our individual values?

How do I look at spending versus saving?

How are we going to handle our finances (together or separately)?

How much do each of us expect to contribute to the household?

How much of our income will we spend on our own personal hobbies or interests?

How much of how income do each of us envision saving

Should we have a monthly budget? How will we set it and stick to it?

Do we want to combine our finances completely or keep some accounts separate?

How much debt do we have, and how much money do we have saved?

What will we do if we have an emergency expense or an unexpected loss of income?

How much do we plan to spend on shared interests, like vacations? If we plan to spend some of our money on a vacation, what type of vacation do each of us enjoy?

What is the importance of earning money to each of us?

How much is expected from each of us in terms of earning money for the family?

How much will each of us work?

Do we expect or want to make any significant career changes in the future?

How will we balance careers and childcare if we have children?

How can we support each other in our career goals?

How much sacrifice is each of us willing to endure for the other person’s career goals and the pursuit of success?

How many hours per week does each person expect the other will be away from home (or working at home) in order to pursue career goals?

What does sex mean for both of us?  (Go back to the 3rd question because these will be related)

How important is sex to each of us? (Different from above)

How much sex do each of us envision having every week? (go back to question 3)

How will we handle any problems in the bedroom down the line?

How is our current sex life going? Do either of us have any unmet sexual desires?

Are we monogamous? What will we do if either of us is interested in changing our relationship model in the future?

What other forms of intimacy and romance are important to us, aside from sex?

How much socializing is important to each of us? How much time do we want to spend with each of our friends and family?

How important is maintaining friendships outside the marriage to each of us and to what extent should our attention and shared resources be devoted to these (e.g. weekend bachelor and bachelorette parties, weddings, showers, etc.)?

How close are each of us to our immediate and extended family members? How much time do each of us expect to spend with our families (alone and with one another)?

How will time off, and holidays, be spent?

How much of our vacation time will be devoted to visiting family versus traveling together as a couple or family?

How do we resolve conflicts?

What communication style works well for us, and where do we struggle?

How can we effectively express difficult emotions like anger and sadness?

How will we make major life decisions together?

Where can we turn for support if we disagree about a big decision in the future?

How do we divide up household duties?

Do we have any particular challenges around sharing a household?

Which tasks will (or does) each partner handle?

And in case you decide to move:

Where do we want to settle down? Will we want to live in the city or in the suburbs?

What is our shared vision of the future?

 

Got this?

Ok, besides discussing some of the questions above you should ponder what a counselor or pastor might ask – think about them

What are some matters about which the two of you have different opinions? Or where is the elephant in the room?

Who will manage your family finances? Another elephant.

What do you usually fight about and when do you usually fight?

On your deathbed, what would sum up your life as worthwhile? What would give meaning to your life? Sounds strange but met a few who wept on their deathbeds about their lives.

What do you intend to do to stay in love? No pat Hallmark movie answer here.

Children – and if you should be unable to have your own, would you adopt a child?

 

 

Some links to questionnaires

A lot of questions but worth going over so you understand each other – even though you have been living together, just worth giving a review

276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm

100 Questions Couple Should Ask Before Getting Married https://onlyartblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/05/100-questions-couple-should-ask-before-getting-married/

25 Premarital Counseling Questions Every Couple Must Discuss Before Marriage https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/premarital-counseling-questions-topics-couples-before-marriage/

12 Topics You MUST Discuss Before Getting Married https://dr-jim.com/12-topics-and-75-questions.html 

 

 

A few quizzes on this page that you may want to take – it will help resolve a few issues - https://psychologia.co/pre-marriage-counseling-quiz/

 

Mawage

 I originally wrote this back when we reached the 42 year mark - I did update it

The question I have received regarding our 46 years of marriage is this: What’s the secret of a long term marriage?

This is a challenge question. 

My first thoughts to the movie, “princess bride” and the vicar starting out with, “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.”

First one has to define “success” as there are different interpretations of this one word.  Doing a web search there are so many ideas of what success is.  Aside the idea that success means lots of money and the best job in the world, success has been defined as Winston Churchill’s statement that "Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."  Can’t say marriage is without failure or failures whether personal or spiritual.

The guy that I hoped would be my boss one day has a down to earth idea.  Sir Richard Branson stated that, "My definition of success?" he asked himself on Virgin's blog. "The more you're actively and practically engaged, the more successful you will feel."  If you only knew how many times I applied to work for Virgin Air. Anyway…

Thomas Edison had a lot of failures in his lifetime.  His opinion was "Success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration."  Oh boy, there has been a lot of sweating out things over the past 42 years.  If one looks at Branson’s actively engaged there will be a lot of perspiration.  Success achieved by work. 

But what is success in marriage?  There was a heading on one site that stated that to understand success one has to realize one size does not fit all.  I remember the books and pamphlets that we received from well-meaning people when we got married that was supposed to help us become better partners.  Might have worked for the author but that author and family was never separated for periods of time because of the military.  And the one book that tried to convince the wife to wear saran wrap and be ready for her husband at the door?  Ahh, no.  Good thought but not one of those that really worked at described. 

One group gives advice based on a scientific approach.  Science – factual until new facts are found, but I digress.  So the five include expect less, get more; give incentives and rewards (uhm, If, then?); daily briefings for improved communications (Powerpoints? Metrics? I left the military long ago); implement change; and keep costs low and benefits high.  I could see some of this but a daily briefing?  “Today breakfast consisted of eggs, bacon and grits.  Someone tried to log into the internet with the incorrect password….”

How about a list that takes some ideas from a number of sites? Let’s see how this might pan out adding some of my commentary.

·         Friendship – a must for sure

·         Humor – only works when you are on the same page and humor versus ?

·         Communication – another one where you must be on the same page and be able to hear as you get older

·         Chore sharing – especially when you have a family

·         Sexual intimacy – add some foreplay which does not have to be sexual

·         Affection – aside from the sex there has to be this

·         One point listed was that of “no four horsemen of the apocalypse” - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and this is one that I have some issues with, especially defensiveness

·         Mutual and separate friends – uhm

·         Reliability – Uhm, be the maytag man

·         Relationship vision – similar to the vision of your company or church you have to have a plan, an 18 month, 3 year, 5 year, and 10 year

·         Humility

·         Patience and forgiveness

·         Time

·         Honesty and Trustworthiness

·         Selflessness

·         Oh, and arguments are ok

Any of that apply?  Uhm…

What is our secret to a successful marriage? Someone said we had moxie.  Of course the determination and the sticktoitness.  And we believed the “until death do us part” and the “sickness and in health”.  Another aspect is one that we have said many times when we could have made our separate ways was that we believed that God had ordained our relationship.  It isn’t money and although I have had some cherry jobs, my work sometimes was a barrier to a good relationship.  The word “love” is one that is long lasting, something you do not fall in or out of.  Sacrifices on both sides.  And is marriage a 50/50? Nope, it is 100/100.

Some adjectives for consideration – adoration, devotion, passionate, cherished, stimulating, provoking, wanting, yearning, euphoric, recreation, pleasure, distracting, and…

From Miracle Max: “Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky, I love that.”

 

A link to a good article that outlines some of my thoughts:

http://www.today.com/id/19031744/ns/today-today_health/t/secrets-long-happy-marriage/#.Vkub2narTIU

 

 

The Ungame?

 Back when were were younger a game came out that was called "the ungame".  It was not like you would score points or such but you had to answer questions that, frankly I was uncomfortable with.  

But sometimes the game is a good ice breaker or something to keep the party going while looking for a karaoke song.  The ungame. No wrong answers.  

When do you get angry?  Let's see, I was at Lowes and well, anyway

I am told it is good therapy.  Or it stimulates my mind.

anyway, here is one list that I think couples need to review - https://bfm.familyfed.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Ungame.pdf