Mawage

 I originally wrote this back when we reached the 42 year mark - I did update it

The question I have received regarding our 46 years of marriage is this: What’s the secret of a long term marriage?

This is a challenge question. 

My first thoughts to the movie, “princess bride” and the vicar starting out with, “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.”

First one has to define “success” as there are different interpretations of this one word.  Doing a web search there are so many ideas of what success is.  Aside the idea that success means lots of money and the best job in the world, success has been defined as Winston Churchill’s statement that "Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."  Can’t say marriage is without failure or failures whether personal or spiritual.

The guy that I hoped would be my boss one day has a down to earth idea.  Sir Richard Branson stated that, "My definition of success?" he asked himself on Virgin's blog. "The more you're actively and practically engaged, the more successful you will feel."  If you only knew how many times I applied to work for Virgin Air. Anyway…

Thomas Edison had a lot of failures in his lifetime.  His opinion was "Success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration."  Oh boy, there has been a lot of sweating out things over the past 42 years.  If one looks at Branson’s actively engaged there will be a lot of perspiration.  Success achieved by work. 

But what is success in marriage?  There was a heading on one site that stated that to understand success one has to realize one size does not fit all.  I remember the books and pamphlets that we received from well-meaning people when we got married that was supposed to help us become better partners.  Might have worked for the author but that author and family was never separated for periods of time because of the military.  And the one book that tried to convince the wife to wear saran wrap and be ready for her husband at the door?  Ahh, no.  Good thought but not one of those that really worked at described. 

One group gives advice based on a scientific approach.  Science – factual until new facts are found, but I digress.  So the five include expect less, get more; give incentives and rewards (uhm, If, then?); daily briefings for improved communications (Powerpoints? Metrics? I left the military long ago); implement change; and keep costs low and benefits high.  I could see some of this but a daily briefing?  “Today breakfast consisted of eggs, bacon and grits.  Someone tried to log into the internet with the incorrect password….”

How about a list that takes some ideas from a number of sites? Let’s see how this might pan out adding some of my commentary.

·         Friendship – a must for sure

·         Humor – only works when you are on the same page and humor versus ?

·         Communication – another one where you must be on the same page and be able to hear as you get older

·         Chore sharing – especially when you have a family

·         Sexual intimacy – add some foreplay which does not have to be sexual

·         Affection – aside from the sex there has to be this

·         One point listed was that of “no four horsemen of the apocalypse” - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and this is one that I have some issues with, especially defensiveness

·         Mutual and separate friends – uhm

·         Reliability – Uhm, be the maytag man

·         Relationship vision – similar to the vision of your company or church you have to have a plan, an 18 month, 3 year, 5 year, and 10 year

·         Humility

·         Patience and forgiveness

·         Time

·         Honesty and Trustworthiness

·         Selflessness

·         Oh, and arguments are ok

Any of that apply?  Uhm…

What is our secret to a successful marriage? Someone said we had moxie.  Of course the determination and the sticktoitness.  And we believed the “until death do us part” and the “sickness and in health”.  Another aspect is one that we have said many times when we could have made our separate ways was that we believed that God had ordained our relationship.  It isn’t money and although I have had some cherry jobs, my work sometimes was a barrier to a good relationship.  The word “love” is one that is long lasting, something you do not fall in or out of.  Sacrifices on both sides.  And is marriage a 50/50? Nope, it is 100/100.

Some adjectives for consideration – adoration, devotion, passionate, cherished, stimulating, provoking, wanting, yearning, euphoric, recreation, pleasure, distracting, and…

From Miracle Max: “Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky, I love that.”

 

A link to a good article that outlines some of my thoughts:

http://www.today.com/id/19031744/ns/today-today_health/t/secrets-long-happy-marriage/#.Vkub2narTIU